Independence has been both a defining element in my personality and life history as well as a hinderance to my lifestyle and mental health in later life. Honestly, I never felt like I needed anyone since I was 17. That was the result of five years of childhood/adolescent trauma and a broken heart (another story). Since then, I have never ever allowed myself to depend completely on another, including wives and family, both nuclear and extended. It was a self-defense reaction, I now know.
Now that I am an old man, I need to depend on others. As my life winds down I no longer want to be alone. I need others, especially family in a selfish way because they will be the only ones that will know I was here! I need to give to others so that I don’t take away all my opportunities to be generous when I die.
But how do I act with those I need? I have no idea. Do I act independent and aloof, like I have for 55 years? Like the old sage who demands to be heeded? Or do I act like a sycophant, subservient to the will of those who may soon be in control of my life? I think it must be somewhere in the middle. And I know that I must temper my judgement and tongue. I must no longer be the know-it-all; the one who can remove my presence from others if my opinion, will, and rules are not mollycoddled. People do not need me anymore as they used to. I am now the one in need. A humbling experience that is part of the aging process? Part of the learning process? A lesson to be learned as this cosmic being progresses through the universe? I think so. I have some learning to do and some behavior to modify and I don’t like it, but I simply do not want to be alone any more. Sounds like progress to me!