Last night was a crucible of existence for me, and that is no exaggeration. I experienced a replay of all the grief, loss, loneliness, and hopelessness I had ever felt during, it seems, my entire life. The utter loneliness and despair of a widowed man, after a death of mother, father, suddenly an orphan, even the death of a child. I lay as if paralyzed as wave upon wave of suffering washed over and through me: memories, loses, sins. I would awaken over and over fighting for breath, as if my very lungs were paralyzed under the weight. It was more than suffering; it was an emptiness of no purpose other than to relive the pain I had done to others and done to me by them, as well as the pain I inflicted on myself. I felt more dread and fear and grief and guilt in one night than any other time in my life.
And yes, I thought about suicide, all afternoon, and all night. Fortunately, earlier in the day, I had asked a friend to take my guns out of my bedroom, because had I not been paralyzed with grief, I might have been able reach for them. And that is a first for me. Like any other intelligent and sensitive person, I had thought about suicide, often. It is the ultimate choice. But last night, I had no defense and absolutely no reason not to. It would have been the only way to stop the suffering. I am astounded that my psyche was even capable of dredging up that kind of grief.
It was a night full of fear of the future, of going on without my partner of 20 years. So much is tied up in a marriage, all the investment in time tending the relationship. Suddenly, it seemed there was no one who would care if I stopped breathing and simply ceased to be.
I guess I just needed to go through it to adjust myself to a shitty divorce. I’m glad I didn’t feel the need to dull it with drugs or alcohol or food. I am just a little proud of myself that I went through it and came out the other side with the strength to carry on. I don’t feel the need to look down into that pit of despair ever again.
I recall my Aunt Jane losing a child to a car accident. I stayed in her home that night and listened to her wail and rave upstairs in her bedroom. She emerged the next morning shaking and exhausted, but alive and resolved to carry on. And she did carry on. And so shall I.
Today I feel like I have been reborn. It was like a peyote vision. I emerged anew, with what seems the worst behind me. I survived. And, as if a gift, it rained this afternoon and both the good earth and I were washed clean. The lesson? This too shall pass, as we say in AA.
PS: I almost buried the lead. The biggest single takeaway for me was that I no longer feel the need to be alone. In fact, the company of those I love is the single biggest joy for me. More than joy, companionship makes the very universe worth living in. I saw the final outcome of complete aloneness, and it is worse than death. Love with others is the very best of life.